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Anger
I'll tell how it felt for me and what happened with it eventually (it disappeared, to be VERY short about it :-))
In the first months of 1994 I got depressed again, worse than ever. Since then I've become more conscious about all kinds of things concerning my feelings. Before that? I can't really remember how I used to react. But since I got depressed again this has become more clear. Sometimes I got into fights with my husband in which I became SO angry that even I could see (in the beginning only a long time AFTER it happened) that it was disproportional. Often I couldn't even imagine anymore why I got so angry in the first place. Sometimes I stayed angry about things, again without being able to imagine why I stayed this mad.
This anger made me unreachable. If I was this angry, my husband was a stranger to me, someone who didn't mean anything to me, an outsider. I could look at him and it seemed as if I hated him, as if I've never seen him before. As if I wasn't involved with him for such a long time.
The overall feeling during such fights was: I am right. I don't make mistakes, so nothing needs to be admitted en my husband is a ....so he's certainly wrong. And why doesn't he understand? A truth lying in between? Don't make me laugh! Compromise? Why should I, I wasn't wrong! And giving in, no way. So my husband really had no choice: giving in or leaving. And he gave in and stayed.
Since I started working on what borderline is and what's going on outside the obvious characteristics, it's become more and more clear where the anger comes from. I don't know exactly how the idea that anger comes from fear came to me But that's how it was. There are borderliners who tell me that their anger is just as justified as the anger of 'healthy' people, but I know for sure that this has NEVER been so for me.
There is anger that consists of two layers and anger that consists of three layers.
In the case of two layers it starts with fear and ends with anger. For instance: my husband comes home and looks angry. Whole series of thoughts come up. O dear, he's been in a file and he blames me because if it wasn't for me he'd have a more adventurous job or a totally different job for which he wouldn't have to stand in a file with the car. Or he's had a bad day at work, for which he blames me for the same reason. Or he comes in and he thinks it's noisy and he blames me for not making the kids play softly, or he comes in and he sees it's not cleaned up about which he gets mad at me. In all cases his anger is caused by me. His anger makes me scared, because maybe he's SO angry that he'll leave and then I'm lost. So he can't leave. So any sign that could mean he leaves, scares me to death. But he is not allowed to see that I'm vulnerable on the other hand, because he'll abuse that and hurt me even more. So to chase him off and scare him and to hide from him that I'm vulnerable, I'll get angry, so angry that we'll end up in a row that smothers every risk of my husband recognising my vulnerability.
Two layers:
fear to be abandoned and rejected
and anger to hide the vulnerability.
The anger consisting of three layers is a bit more complicated.
In fact I'm not allowed to have opinions. I can have opinions about non-personal things, like politics, but not where it concerns me personally. I can't find ANYTHING that important to get worked up about it, because that would make me a independent person and that was not allowed so I won't do it. So I have adapted opinions. Of course I got myself some opinions, because what's a person without opinions? Nothing, right! So for the outside I have opinions, but in fact these don't connect with my inside. But sometimes, suddenly, it happens so that I DO have an opinion, secretly, very impertinent and very forbidden. This makes me scared, because having an opinion means breaking the rule: thou shall not be thyself. So I get scared and in the same time vulnerable and to hide this vulnerability I get angry again.
An example: one mother of the kindergarten where my oldest son went to had arranged all by herself that people couldn't park their bikes before one particular window anymore, because she wanted to kiss her daughter goodbye there. The teacher thought it was nonsense but let her do it. This window was exactly where I always put my bike. I thought it was so ridiculous that she wanted this by all means and against the wishes of the teacher that I went against it.
It kept me busy from morning till night, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It kept rolling on and on in my head, all arguments I continuously repeated to myself, endlessly, all day through. And also to anyone who'd listen (and if they didn't want to listen, bad luck for them, I couldn't stop talking about it anyhow) I'd go on and on about it and all developments were told to everyone.
At that time I already knew that fear came before the anger and I recognised the anger very well. What I couldn't imagine is why I should be this afraid, because why should I be afraid for her? Rejection by strangers doesn't mean THAT much that I get that afraid that I have to get angry, so why should I do it with her?
Then I realised that what I thought about her and her ridiculous rule, was really MY opinion. And since I wasn't allowed an opinion, I became afraid. And to hide that fear I became angry.
Three layers:
real anger,
fear about having this anger
and anger to hide the vulnerability.
In all cases the anger I feel is anger to hide the vulnerability. The first anger from the three-layer model was replaced by fear SO quickly that I couldn't even feel it. In any case I remember the fear was the direct cause of the anger. In some cases a real anger was behind the fear but this was NOT the anger I felt.
That it had become clear how it worked didn't mean that I could stop it straight away, alas. There was some progression though: with every fight it became clear sooner and sooner that this was yet another of these angers, but even this insight wasn't enough to stop it, somehow it just had to come out. I made an agreement with my husband that he'd try not to argue with me during such fights, that he'd say instead that he knew I was afraid instead of angry and that this was ok. This worked great, it was such a wonderful feeling. It didn't last long though, I know TOO well how to hit him and at such moments his own anger starts to play a role, logically (but doesn't come in handy).
Now I'm so much farther it all works differently. I'm no longer depending on others, am standing more on my own. This means that for my life it does no longer matter if people stay or not. I feel terrible when people leave, but I survive it, and this used to be so different. The result is that even when other people are angry with me it doesn't make me afraid any longer. Because when an argument leads to someone leaving, well it's got to be this way. And I'm also looking less for signs of anger because I'm independent and no longer afraid for the consequences.
And if -I- get angry it's real anger. Because I'm angry about something someone said or did. I'm not saying it's always justified anger, but it doesn't need to be, it's healthy. But it is REAL anger, not anger to hide fear. I dare to say what I really feel and can be very clear about it too.
I'm very happy to say that nowadays I no longer feel this terrible anger that's no real anger.
